Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I can't put those talents on a resume
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
