If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
