Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
