Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
