Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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