i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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