he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
