she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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