My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
