Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
