There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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