He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
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Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
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Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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