By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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