Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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