i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
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