i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
