there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
