Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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