My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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