I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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