we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
