remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
