I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
What a dumb baby whore.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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