If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
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He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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