the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
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we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
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Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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