from now on my penis is your penis
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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