i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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