just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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