It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
