Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
