im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
