listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
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