So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
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