And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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