bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
