Taylor Swift is so right about you.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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