So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
