I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize