please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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