Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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