The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
