I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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