Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
