My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
