I met the friendliest cop last night
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
