I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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