I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
