why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
they call him Oral-B. enough said
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
