What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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