do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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