My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I touched a dick in church today
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
