don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
