My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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