Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
