that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
