My room smells like vodka and shame
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
